Slice of Life
by – Sheri de Grom
Last week I talked about a nasty fall I’d taken and I was out of sorts with myself. I knew I needed to look inward but that wasn’t what I wanted to examine. I didn’t want my neurologist notifying me that I’d lost count on the number of serious concussions I’d sustained. I’m now at eight. A helmet will no longer help me.
Two of my blogging friends hit a nerve that made me sit further back in my chair and take notice of what they had to say. The first: Bill at http://dealingwithcopd.wordpress.com. Bill picks a word each week when he tells us how he’s feeling and writes a brilliant essay centered on that one word. I’m behind, maybe not behind; I’ve read this week’s blog. I’m still hung up on the previous word he discussed: ‘Expectations.’
I’ve had a field trip with ‘expectations’ and am still mulling it around in my head. It’s made
me nauseous. I either had the choice of reaching for medication or being sick. A number of times I sat with my journal and wrote about the expectations I believe others have of me or place on me. Those expectations are easy compared to the ones I impose upon myself.
I have a number of medical reasons why I fall but when I set aside all of those, it’s my own expectations that make my load far too heavy to carry. I don’t and won’t stop and my body simply does it for me by falling.
One of my stress relievers is working in the garden. I love to dig in the dirt and create pallets of color with roses, wildflowers, multiple blooming vines, a hummingbird haven and another one for the bees. I’ve had two new victories this year that I’ve not experienced before.
One is that I finally have Clematis that’s happy to bloom. It’s the ‘Nelly Moser.’ I’ve had the three gallon plant for three years and it’s done nothing. I’d given up and allowed weeds to grow over it during the fall and this winter it stood in freezing water until a block of ice formed for months. We’ve also had a lot of water this spring and we still have lots of water. Nelly is not supposed to be happy. Do you think she’ll die or will she flourish now that she has a bag of new miracle grow soil and nice mulch to protect her roots? I’ve even provided her a nice wrought iron trellis.
The second victory is a peony that I’ve moved three times to get it to a place where it
would have dry feet as instructed and nothing would bother it. I finally gave the peony away but my friend never dug it up to take home. It looked worse than a dead plant should have.
The same sequence of events happened to the peony as the clematis. Then this spring the blooms were some of the most majestic I’ve ever seen. Tom told me it reminded him of a bunch of writers sitting around talking about writing rules and what you can and cannot do or you will or will not get published.
The peony bloomed as if it were a New York Times Best Seller. It should have acted as a manuscript; it wouldn’t have made it to the slush pile.
Huntie at http://chasingrabbitholes.com is the second blogger who caused me to take another look at how I’m living this life of mine and always rushing from one task to another. She reminded me to always be aware of my surroundings. Of course that makes perfect sense. I was forever telling my staff they had to be aware of every component of their surroundings. In our business we couldn’t afford one slip-up. It could cost a life.
I’ve been moving through my days in a fog. There’s been too much on my plate and I know I need help. I must juggle the budget one more time. I cannot keep up this pace.
Veteran’s Affairs would allow someone to come to our home two hours two times a week. (I’ll talk another time about how it took us nine months to get the evaluation appointment about caregiving and Tom was already rated at 100% disabled). However, we have no in-put into who that individual is. The attendants are not licensed or bonded. And, they would simply be here, as in do nothing except monitor Tom. I’m here! What would we gain?
Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it,
there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
I look back on the past week, month, year even, and sense that I have not been aware of
You Lord and the lessons You would have me learn. I don’t want to be someone who mentally checks out of life. Even when the burden is too hard, I will glean wisdom that feeds my soul.
Shelter me, Lord. Take me in Your embrace and keep me safe from my past and my future worries. If left on my own, I would not make it through the night without a stream of tears. But with You I can relax. I think more clearly from this place of refuge.
Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.